Do I hear wedding bells? Not yet... :(

Not sure why... but my thoughts today have only been those of marriage. I hate how I feel when I look at my friends and family who have been married 3 or 4 years and have families, I want that! I am glad it hasn't happened yet, because I wasn't ready, but I feel like I am ready now! I don't want to be single. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to miss out on being a mother or a wife. I feel like my chances of having these things decrease as the years go by... I don't want that! I want to be able to go out with girlfriends and talk about mommy things, I want to talk about how much I love my husband! I don't even really care about the wedding, the dress, the rings. Don't get me wrong, I want that too, but more then that I want the commitment of forever. Austin and I both said we wanted to wait until we were at least 25 and I am glad we choose to wait because we have been through so much together and I think that will make us stronger, BUT my time is coming and the closer it get the more I want it! Austin is who I want to be with for the rest of my life, he is my best friend and the love of my life. I couldn't imagine life without him. I know marriage isn't going to be easy, but I can't wait to see what challenges we are going to have to face or the hard decisions we will have to make. It's scary, but I know we will overcome it all! I love him so much! Now... If I could only find a way to figure out when he is going to pop that question!?!

Loved ones are always picked last.

I hate the feeling like I am last priority in the person I am dating life. It makes me feel like crap, as would it to anyone! I am probably being a little sensitive since I am PMS-ing, but this is when my true feeling come alive. Haha! I really don't know how else to explain it, but I feel like I am being picked last in soccer. I have always felt like I put whoever I am dating as one of my top priorities in life, even when life gets busy I still try to make time for that special someone, but I am left feeling like that isn't how guys treat me. I am a very passive, easy going person, I brush things off just to keep peace. I guess you could call me a people pleaser, but the older I get the less pleasing I have become. I have a hard time talking about my feelings because I have an even harder time explaining them. They always come out wrong. I want to be able to tell people how I am feeling without being rude or misinterpreted. What I feel is real and when I talk to people about how I feel it comes off rude or as a joke. So hear my cry... I need to feel like I am being loved and I need to feel that through the extra little things you do. Tell me I look pretty once in a while, talk to me with a caring voice when I call, act like you are excited to do something I like to do. The extra little things are what makes me feel special! I know that you love me. I feel awful for saying these things, but all you girls out there are agreeing with me. I don't mean it harsh and I don't mean to cause harm. I am telling you what I want. I am tired of being insecure. I am not an insecure person and I do have a lot to offer! So why am I left feeling this way? I guess today I have finally decided to say something about what I want. I love you, please just love me.