Do I hear wedding bells? Not yet... :(

Not sure why... but my thoughts today have only been those of marriage. I hate how I feel when I look at my friends and family who have been married 3 or 4 years and have families, I want that! I am glad it hasn't happened yet, because I wasn't ready, but I feel like I am ready now! I don't want to be single. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to miss out on being a mother or a wife. I feel like my chances of having these things decrease as the years go by... I don't want that! I want to be able to go out with girlfriends and talk about mommy things, I want to talk about how much I love my husband! I don't even really care about the wedding, the dress, the rings. Don't get me wrong, I want that too, but more then that I want the commitment of forever. Austin and I both said we wanted to wait until we were at least 25 and I am glad we choose to wait because we have been through so much together and I think that will make us stronger, BUT my time is coming and the closer it get the more I want it! Austin is who I want to be with for the rest of my life, he is my best friend and the love of my life. I couldn't imagine life without him. I know marriage isn't going to be easy, but I can't wait to see what challenges we are going to have to face or the hard decisions we will have to make. It's scary, but I know we will overcome it all! I love him so much! Now... If I could only find a way to figure out when he is going to pop that question!?!

Loved ones are always picked last.

I hate the feeling like I am last priority in the person I am dating life. It makes me feel like crap, as would it to anyone! I am probably being a little sensitive since I am PMS-ing, but this is when my true feeling come alive. Haha! I really don't know how else to explain it, but I feel like I am being picked last in soccer. I have always felt like I put whoever I am dating as one of my top priorities in life, even when life gets busy I still try to make time for that special someone, but I am left feeling like that isn't how guys treat me. I am a very passive, easy going person, I brush things off just to keep peace. I guess you could call me a people pleaser, but the older I get the less pleasing I have become. I have a hard time talking about my feelings because I have an even harder time explaining them. They always come out wrong. I want to be able to tell people how I am feeling without being rude or misinterpreted. What I feel is real and when I talk to people about how I feel it comes off rude or as a joke. So hear my cry... I need to feel like I am being loved and I need to feel that through the extra little things you do. Tell me I look pretty once in a while, talk to me with a caring voice when I call, act like you are excited to do something I like to do. The extra little things are what makes me feel special! I know that you love me. I feel awful for saying these things, but all you girls out there are agreeing with me. I don't mean it harsh and I don't mean to cause harm. I am telling you what I want. I am tired of being insecure. I am not an insecure person and I do have a lot to offer! So why am I left feeling this way? I guess today I have finally decided to say something about what I want. I love you, please just love me.

...just a couple things

I am having the hardest time being awake lately! If I could sleep all day, I probably would! I want to be more outgoing and stay up all night, but that would mean I am missing out on sleep... which I can't bare to think about! Wednesday nights working at the bar KILLS me! I cannot tell you how quick I get home and jump in the shower just so I can go to bed. Anyway... just had to say that.

The other thing, I'd have to say is one of my biggest pet-peves... DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO CALL ME IF YOU'RE NOT PLANNING ON REALLY CALLING! I thought this just applied to guys, I hated dating a guy that you really liked, then he'd say, 'I'll call you tomorrow' and you wouldn't hear from him in weeks... No Thanks! Don't tell me you're going to call me to make me feel like you like me... this doesn't only apply to guys now, GIRLS TOO! I can't tell you how many times lately that my girlfriends say they will call me and then they never do! ...then I get the, 'sorry, i thought you were supposed to call me'... UHG! People, please... I know that I have been known to forget something now and again, but everytime I hear the same excuse from the same friends. I love you all, but please know that this drives me insane. I don't do it to you, stop using the same lame excuses and just call like you said you would or don't say you will! Simple.

Next. Can I just tell you how much I love this new job of mine? I can't believe I am doing the same thing and it is so much different! The atmospher, the attitude, the appreciation... I have worked in the title business since I graduated... that's 6 years now, Sept will be 7. No where, no where is like this place, everyone works together, everyone gets along... it isn't a battle between escrow and title, it isn't a battle between who has more orders. They all work as a big ol' team! Now, the past places I have worked have all said... 'we are team players', but no one is ever really willing to help one another, but here, I haven't even seen anyone say no to another person when asked to help. My attitude changed completely when I started working here, I love my job again! Who can say that? Anyway... I think that is all I have for today.

fat girl seeking skinny body

Guys. They try to be helpful, they try to be sincere, they try to show you they care... but why is it, the way they show all of that tends to be the worst ways ever! Last night as Austin and I were sitting on the couch after dinner, he lays down and puts his feet across my legs, then he pokes my tummy with his foot and said, 'remember how you were excited you had more days off during the week so you could start going to the gym'... uh... what was I supposed to do? Jump up and go? I don't think so... I just gave him the biggest crusty ever and continued sitting there. My problem is, I asked him to be pushy, I asked him to be mean, I asked him to help me, but why is it when he "trys" to be all of that I resent him for it? I get so upset with myself that I have become this lazy overweight person and I get so self contious about it, yet when people try to help I get upset at them. Why does it have to be so hard? I wish that fat could just melt away without working at it... but it doesn't! It seems that I have no self control when it comes to food, I am an endless pit! I need the help and support from the people close to me, but I need to stop being so mad about it! I love Austin to death and I have asked him to help so why is it so hard for me to understand he IS trying to help?